Shed These Parts of Me

When you wipe me clean of all my responsibilities and hurdles, what am I left with? A blank slate to work with and build from, but also a type of freedom I’m not quite used to or comfortable with.

The unknown is scary. Let’s face it, trying new things, being in new situations, or being introduced to anything that’s unfamiliar to us is both exhilarating and exhausting. The excitement of newness makes you feel alive, but the fear of the unknown pulls you back. The push and pull can create chaos in your mind and conflict in your actions.

I have begged for fewer responsibilities and the freedom to make choices for myself for as long as I can remember. But now here I am, without chains or complex obligations, and I no longer know who I am or what I want. Without this part of me, I feel lost. Roaming around trying to figure out who or what needs me next so I can fall into the same patterns and repeat history. A history I have wanted to shed for so many years.

When you do something for so long, it just becomes a part of you. Like an additional arm or an extra layer of skin. Taking care of others’ responsibilities from a young age has been a large part of my story, and now that it’s time to let it go, I’m having a difficult time shedding that fixer mentality.

Who we think we are matters.

It sets the tone for the choices and decisions we make for ourselves along the way. It’s why so many people get stuck in an endless loop, repeating the same mistakes over and over again. We head home to the people and places and decisions that feel familiar in exchange for our own happiness because that’s comfortable. It’s difficult to see these patterns from the middle, but stepping outside would mean acknowledging that some of these decisions may be our own fault. Sometimes we’re not ready to hear that or take responsibility for our own lives yet.

I know this now and that realization weighs heavily on me.

I have a choice, but I’m still standing here, taking hit after hit as if I deserve to be here forever because it’s where I’ve been up until now. But where we’ve been does not have to be where we are going. It can be a part of our story without being our entire story.

So the question is, am I ready to let go and lean into the rest of whats to come for me, or am I going to keep spinning in circles, begging for the universe to give me a break when the chains are already gone?

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